holding your breath dizziness.

this is the awkward silence,
pregnant pause, 
waiting room nausea...

when you know what's coming,
& you asked for it. 

this is over your head
in the middle of the lake
not knowing how to swim.

self-inflicted heartache at it's finest.

this is reverse magnifying glass.
the big fucking picture.
grand finale of what never was going to be.

and there is no surprise,

but still you feel cheated.

you still argue it wasn't a fair shake.
you cling to the what if & or but....



aren't you dizzy
because Christ, kid, i am.

Barbiturates & Tinfoil Stars.

and for you I'd
suck out the sea

re-write the maps/
re-right the wrong roads
that took us too far too fast
blurring our past, and



running away from our Prince
just to kiss toads.

we were meant for more than that, you see...


like the battle between
reality vs. beauty.

indeed i'd,
remove every inch of rhyme from
million-miles-of-ribbon time

cut the Atlantic into threes
change perspectives & tides


all i am saying is
that this distance is trying.




but surely,
soon the coffee stains will
once again be left in
beds unmade.


let our unslept lighted heads
do all the talking instead.

with hair that stands for
so much more than
a freedom speech for an already won war,




& simply all it takes is two hearts
filled with gold dust covered birds and an ache for more

[...]




as slowly as honey
from a barbiturate bingeing bee-hive,

our words will combine
like pulling fishing-lined tied tinfoiled stars from the skies,


and as Truth destroys lies,

we will show them
what we mean when we say,





'but, we are Alive.'

to you & your world back home.

i'm slipping.

yea, i think this time
it's safer than ever to say
i've lost my grip,

and i am not going back
on that road...


it costs too much.
takes too long.
hurts real bad,


& just plain feels wrong.


so i pull a match out
from one book of the places
i knew in my past,

light & exhale the bitter swirls
that once intertwined the ideas
you and i had...

in a shitty bed
in an even shittier house

that i'd never consider home.


(i could never consider you home.)

(not if the world or my words depended on it.)

tasty tattoo ideas.

the kissback.

i'm writing you now
at a safe distance
tucked inbetween greens & blues

mountains and skies,

lungs full of air
& a mouth void of lies.

the east coast has me hooked
and i don't think i'll be back,

not for you
or a second look.



no, i blame you
for kissing me like that,

but mostly i blame myself
for kissing you back.

you are the worse to my better.

the more i learn
the more i know not to ask why.

just fall to my knees
& cry to the sky.

the more i find out me
the less i want you,

and you hate me now
because this is what i have to do.


don't miss me,
don't call.

i've changed my number, locks, hair, car
& will not be here next fall.

don't count on a cave,
don't count on a letter...

i'm leaving for good,

and i can only get better.

Ends to no Start.

i'm all sad eyed & sunsets
and heart of unrest.

but i wait for you
like i told you i'd do

cause it's your song i like best.


& lately i've found
my life is my own

and wandering the streets
with just Jesus & barefeet
i feel right at home.

so if you're not coming back
please spare me the words

let me down hard
i already know how it hurts.

leave me a blank note
with only your scent...


& without reason or goodbyes i'll know what you meant.

flying hearts in my eyes, the biggest baddest best surprise.

this is new
dragonfly guts &
trembling lips/hips/fingertips.

i like being close to you,
but still a stranger.

i'd like to keep it this way
for years.

wear your old sweats and a tank-top to bed,

let you memorize every crease.
every scent.

but remain skin surface safe.




i don't want to remind you
of someone you had,

rather,
someone you've been wanting to find.


i want to be the last thing you sigh over,
and the first thing on your mind.


this is old & familiar,


but i swear this time it will be different.

journey time gotta have to dos.

naked hotspringing with h
rita's & patron shotsss
backcountry skiing & bouldering & mtn. biking & 14ers
breck boys

taipei tokyo sushi 

tattoo touch-up in the dirty d & new piercings

magical mayhemmmm

caught you knockin' at my cellar door...

All this talk is making me restless, and my eyes have flying hearts in them & my lungs are doing the jitter-bug, ya know? I'm just bouncy, and ready for the next big thing. Ready to be surrounded by strangers, meet new streets, find different sounds, and tastes, and love love love.

I miss you.
A lot.

I hate that things have become so messy & so shitty for the both of us. It's been all tears & too many beers here. Wish I could report a little more sunshine, but the skies are gray, and my heart is cold.

And I believe that just one kiss from you could cure these blues.



xo,
Lil

goodbye, Rocky.

i'm not a fan of being lied to

no, not in the very least

but you've done it the most,

caused my heart to crash 

like whitecaps on the coast,

and i don't care what the excuse is

i know what your abusing, and this

is not acceptable,

so now you're just another fucking ghost.

another boy with a guitar,

i knew i shouldn't trust,

but hell, i blame it on blues

& bottles of lust.

don't think i don't wonder

or love, or miss,

it's just that i can taste the lies whenever we don't kiss.

Hotel California's Forecast.

the wind's so hard
it's like it has a message.

i prefer cliff-notes,
& abbreviations.

but this was something
hard to miss,

clearly no deviations.


i'm a mess.

i'm a monster,
guised as a goddess.

i can make a man bend at the knee,
& the biggest liar honest.


but whether or not
i'm merry or
in the key of C minor,

the Hotel California
could never be finer-


could never be better
even if at my worst,

or better yet,
actually getting rest,


but nonetheless
still remaining cursed.


so i stay & i write
stagnant in a black and blue town,

surrounded by white
wearing half a frown.

no, i'm not down,
i just mean to say...

it's better you cause the bruise,

call truce--



& leave it at bay.

Rocky Mtn. Packlist

• plane ticket
• drivers license 
• iPod & car charger
• ski bindings
• boots
• mittens
• straight brimmah
• goggles
• jacket & snow pants
• bikini
• 3 pairs of socks
• 2 pairs of jeans
• 3 shirts
• one hoodie
• yoga pants
• chacos
• one pair heels
• one pair of boots
• granola
• one apple
• large bottle of water
• cash
• sunglasses
• toothbrush
• face lotion with spf
• purse (aka survival bag)
• sleeping bag
• vitamins
• emergenC's
• Blackberry charger
• iBook
• fashion magazine
• digital camera
• AA batteries

a note found inside a hotel bible

the rain reminds me 

just what i am

& not

what i have and haven't got

who i was 

and where i've been

& neither it nor Christ himself

could wash away this sin.

i'm a bridge burner,

a real head turner

i can make you forget where you end 

& where i begin.

i'll talk real nice and slow

let you borrow my smokes

i could be your heroin.

There are things I should/nt do.

Should:

• Finish Novel
• Wake up every morning with a smile & thankful heart
• Let people know how amazing they truly are
• Eat my veggies, fruits & other good great healthy raw foods
• Stretch more
• Breathe deeper
• Talk less
• Listen more
• Take that trip to Iceland
• Dance any chance I get

Should not:

• Cuss like a sailor
• Drink my body weight in tequila
• Believe everything I hear
• Wear heart on sleeve
• Drain the pot of coffee before 10am
• Trust a boy with a guitar

to be continued...

Everyone knew her as Nancy.

Dear Sun,

Now you're just over-doing it. You had a great sunrise, & didn't need to go adding to it...really, is the Moon getting to you or what?

I attribute some of the wackiness going on to the holiday at hand. Last night especially, was way off kilter...c'mon, I flippin' power cleaned like nobody's business & as to the extent of it I'll spare you the details.

Onward and upward, just like you! I'm a little upset with you shaking me out of my dream. It was filled with my favorite people, one had an arm full of flower tattoos, which looked surprisingly fitting on her. There was also a boy with a guitar that came to steal my time and teach me how to play Rocky Raccoon on the guitar while playing it on the piano. To be honest I wasn't so good, but I knew all the words! But it was a silly Wonderland-like dream, and damn you from knocking it out of my mind...maybe I can pick up where I left off tonight.

At least the coffee's stronger than it's been in weeks.

Cheers,

Hb

Full Moon Melt Downs

Dear Moon,

It's about that time in the night where typing on my laptop sounds more like a jack-hammer, & I wax/wane over another glass of the hard stuff...it's the awkward hour. I'm awake. I know I shouldn't be, and then there's the in-between, or.. outside opinions should we say? 

Anyways. I partially blame you. You're a tempter. Your light's far too bright for me to sleep, so I digress in this ransacking of wine, pilfering of whiskey & inhalation of far too many cigarettes. 

In a perfect world I could water color this out, or use sign language...something far quieter than this method of communication. Instead I water down my wine, type as mouse-like as possible & pray I do not disturb anyone enjoying a normal night's rest.

I'm far from upset, granted you only do this once a month or so, but I've got a long holy weekend ahead & damn I'm not kicking it off to a good start. Furthermore, I've been dealing with some ghosts that seem to be in/out of my heart like boy with a guitar.

(In fact, that's just what they are.)

Wish I could shine as bright as you,

Hb

May I be your June?

Dear Lost Box,

Please show yourself.
I beg you.

I'm on my knees.
Pleading.

There are so many things within you that I miss, and have been day-dreaming about for the past week or so...You see, I've got this song stuck in my head and you contain the panacea for my restless searching.

I can't find the track on iTunes, CDBaby, nowhere...and it means a lot to me. The CD was sent to me from the artist herself, and she's just, breathtakingly phenomenal.
So if you could please come around, know that you'd be welcomed with open arms.

Love,
Hb

http://cdbaby.com/cd/maryalicewood03

Spring Oh-Nine Playlist

Dear April,

You fooled me! I was damn sure it was spring and then I woke up to snow covering every bit of pretty that was starting to show itself...I resigned myself to a pot of coffee & a bottle of Baileys.

Until you decide to stick around & shine a little light on this gray place I've made a collage of songs to help get me by...sun or no sun.

Xxoo,

Hb

1. Bruce Springsteen- Old Dan Tucker

There's something about banjos that always pulls a smile to my face...and who can resist Bruce? C'mon. 

2. The Beatles- Happiness Is A Warm Gun

Pretty much any playlist I create will inevitably feature The Beatles, and I am A-Okay with that.

3. Telepopmusik- Anyway

This song never fails me. It's Kentucky back-roads & fresh cut grass. Sticky humid make-up sex & speeding through the S-Curves in downtown Louisville.

4. Tom Petty- Roll Another Joint

I'm a sucker for harmonica intros & songs about rebelling/pot smoking/forthrightness. The line, "I'm too alone to be proud," is all too relatable, hell, the whole entire song is.

5. Uffie- Pop the Glock

Sexy tasty drama beats.

6. Vampire Weekend- The Kids Don't Stand A Chance

This band has the ability to resonate their predecessors and to me sounds like Sting, Rusted Root, Minus the Bear, & Tally Hall in a blender...

7. Vanessa Carlton- White Houses

Yeah, I always die to trust pretty eyed boys too, V.

8. Wilco- I Must Be High

I must.

9. NOFX-Stickin In My Eye

Okay, now this song is the epitome of highschool orchard parties. There was always NOFX, Captain Morgan's, Raspberry Stoli Vodka, and lots of pseudo-incestual hooking ups happening amongst the cherry trees.

10. Mano Chao- Bongo Bong

One of the songs he performs in English. I dig & understand.

11. Ladytron- Tomorrow

Turn up loud, add some sunshine, & an iced coffee...lower aviators. Smirk scenesterly.

12. The Killers- Move Away

Resume doing what you were through track eleven, but add some fist-in-the-air pumping. 

13. K'nann- Yesterday

My latest obsession. He's raw. Real. Cuts deep.

14. Journey- Any Way You Want It

"Dude...do you have any Journey?"...me to a friend while cruising through Colorado. Please, always have a few Journey tracks on your iPod incase I ride with you... thanks. 

15. Johnny Cash- God's Gonna Cut You Down

One of his darkest tracks in my humble opinion...I like dark.

16. Old Crow Medicine Show- Wagon Wheel

This song will always remind me of a summer long bender in Nashville...late night jam sessions, complete with harmonica, banjo & a group of severely talented people.

17. Ingrid Michaelson- You and I

Okay...the break-down in this song makes even the grayest of days feel sunny.

18. Headphones- Natural Disaster

Alot of those happen this time of year...thought it appropriate.

19. A Tribe Called Quest- Oh My God

Tribe is perfect for feelin' optimistic, and damn, in Michigan you need a lot of that in April.

20. Jimmy Eat World- Clarity

No playlist is complete without a JEW track. 

21. Ben Kweller- Gotta Move

Mm-hm, Ben, sing it & sing it loud. This is for all those county kids that would rather be somewhere else...somewhere preferably sunnier & less bi-polar when it comes to weather.

22. The Weepies- Gotta Have You

Coffee, crying, whiskey, wine got me through the winter...now give me some spring, and give me some love. Please.